severedmind's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last Entry To Vegas I go A perfect Circle-Weak and Powerless Things are just not going the way I want them to. Lately everything has just been turning into an argument fest. Since the last time I wrote in this damn thing everything has been going downhill. My life as I know it seems to be a blur. I am second guessing who my true friends are. I am second guessing who I am as a person. I am basically thinking everything over as of late. Im not sure why this sudden urge to think about all this shit its just there I cant explain it I cant explain anything. I dont want to be here anymore theres nothing for me. Right now I am at home alone yes alone again My parents are in vegas and I was watching my brother but he decided to go to a friends house so I am stuck here babysitting the damn animals. Whats the point of me living? I do nothing I sit at home and watch tv clean then eat and go to sleep. I have nothing to live for anymore before I actually did but now NOTHING. I feel as I am losing all my friends back home they just dont act the same anymore. It seems as nothing I do is ever right. I called michelle thursday but something was different about her Im not sure if it was the fact that john was over there but it was like she wasnt even interested in talking to me she just kind of sat there and listened. Maybe its just me feeling that way but honestly that is how I feel Im not trying to hurt anyones feelings but it seems like mine are always getting hurt. I cant stand to be alone in this place anymore no one really understands how I feel. The only way they would be able to understand is to put theirselves in my position take a walk in my shoes I guarantee you will want to return them. My mom and I have been at eachothers throats for the past couple of weeks I swear that woman likes to play mind games with me. one minute shes saying something and the next its something else. Why must I have to put up with such ignorant people? what the hell did I do to deserve the type of shit that I go through? if anybody knows please let me in on it. I am supposed to be moving to vegas this monday. Im just so tired of being told to move out every five seconds so as of monday I will be leaving this damn house. This will most likely be my last journal entry for a while due to the fact that I wont have a computer and I have better things to do then sit around and feel sorry for myself. Last saturday and this Wendsday night I stayed the night in laughlin with ashley at the riverside I had an alright time not the best in the world but better than sitting at this house doing absolutely nothing. We didnt do much but get hella baked play pool drink some long island ice tea's. I met some people there I always end up meeting very intriguing people I dont know why I just do. Well we met some guys and they ended up coming back to the room with us and smoked us out not that we didnt have some of our own we just smoked theres. Other than that life has been hell I went to counseling the other day and Now I have to do all this other shit like fill out a chart of all my outbursts just stupid nonsense that doesnt deserve to exist then I also found out I have to go to counseling every month and see a psychiatrist every three months how wonderful I get to spend my life with a psychiatrist how fun JOY! Right now I am so irritated and I dont even know why I just am I am starting to hate myself more and more eachday I hate my life I hate the way I look I hate the way I act I hate the things I do I hate everything. Im just so lonely I have no one to talk to. no one that understands what I am going through. When I do find someone that I think I can talk to Im scared to talk to them Im scared I'll scare them away Im just scared of everything. It just seems like everyone else is having a grand ol time while lindsay is drowning herself in her own thoughts. Im tired of seeing all this lovey dovey shit on tv probably due to the fact that I have no one Im tired of hearing about other peoples relationships its sickening. I know that I dont need a boyfriend to live but you know it would be nice to have one. I dont like meeting guys that much anymore because I feel as im this whack job of a person and if they find out all this shit that is wrong with me they will be like fuck that girl she has too many problems. I have no clue what I am going to do with myself. Im just goddammit I am already tired of typing so fuck this journal, fuck all this bullshit I go through, fuck all the fake friends I ever had, fuck all the people that have tried to start shit with me, fuck all the people that have put me down, fuck everyone that dont give a fuck about me cause I could give a fuck less about you!
SO FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE I will finish school I will get a job I will have a nice House I will have a nice Ride I will have things in life I will have all the bud I want I will have everything, what will you have? 5:59 p.m. - 2004-01-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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